User blog:TehHarvester/Late Night Rants With Harv - 4

Hey guys. This is Harv. About an hour and a half ago, I started this, and had it cruelly ripped away from me because the wikia logged me out. An hour of progress down the drain, probably about a thousand words, and it was a good fucking effort too. So, I'mma try again, best I can, give that it's three AM and I can only do so much. Not to self - back this shit up, always.

General warnings. I'm a cunt who likes saying cunt a fucking lot so if you're a cunt who doesn't like the word cunt then you've probably already been a cunt and fucked off. That's a new one, and I'm fucking proud of it. Also, please exuse an typos as a side effect of it being a stupid fucking hour and there's no way in the name of anything that might be considered holy that I will proofread.

Firstly, I'm gonna start by talking about embarrassing yourself, and what to do about it. Today, I went ice skating, and mostly just hurt myself. I'm 90% sure I've sprained my wrist, and I have a crazy headache that fucking hurts that is completely unrelated to the ice skating but I've got in anyway an it's making blogging an absolute, a-grade, cunt. So, by hurting myself, one can safely assume I fell a lot. Fourteen falls in two hours, and ice is fucking hard, let me tell you. Barring the sprained wrist flop and the one that nearly made me headbutt the wall, however, I'm in a decent state.

However, along with the falls, I had a lot of near falls - and one of those was exactly what I want to talk about. Let me start by telling you how I tend to tackle problems - head on in a testosterone fueled rage that makes me usually look like a complete and utter fuckwit. This meant I started skating - well, stumbling is more accurate - away from the wall quite quickly, and when I say away, I mean like two metres away. Or six and a half feet for all you stupid cunts who can't use units of mensuration that make scientific fucking scene.

Anyway, I was with some friends, but I quickly found myself isolated - no big deal, because me taking them onto the ice with me was not ideal - but it wasn't just our group. There were other people there, including a group of four near enough my age - two couples, I reckon they were a couple of years younger than me - and they happened to be in a cluster to witness a rather epic near fall.

I guess the best way to describe it was a dance. Not like a Blades of Glory-esque dance where people have class and decency, but more like random flailing of the arms and body in some sort of motion that means I don't land on my arse or face - especially not the later. I like my face. It's a nice face. Anyway, while all of those people stared, I just made myself look like a fuckwit and after taking thirty seconds to recover, slumped off in embarrassment silently acknowledging I was never making eye contact with these people again.

Or was I? I think quickly and was able to redeem the situation for myself. After a couple of wobbles, and knowing it was about to get worse, and realising they were all staring at me, I just reacted. "Hang on, I got this." That line meant I could stumble off with a bow and trying regain my dignity before having fall number four halfway round the rink.

My point is this - you will be a million times less embarrassed if you OWN IT. Had I just staggered, stumbled and blushed, I would have made a complete tit of myself and had to hide in a corner for the rest of the day. I owned my near disaster and fuck me, I got myself out of a pickle.

I know this isn't the easiest thing to do. I'm a very confident, loud, extroverted person who has little shame. I laugh at myself more than most people laugh at me. No big deal. I've got very little shame, which I attribute to three semesters of high school drama. In which I wore a dress. It was pink. People took pictures. And videos. They're on facebook. I also wore fairy wings, upside-down. Then covered myself in glitter. And spoke in a really high pitch voice. Before grabbing a pool noodle and sticking on my head and pretending it was a cock. After that, it's pretty hard to make me uncomfortable. This is why I suggest embracing that confidence. It's hard, sure, I can admit, but once you go there, you never regret it.

Moving on to my second topic. I was discussing my ice skating and the lack of time actually spent on my skates with one of my coworkers on facebook, where he suggested that I tried not falling over. I replied that I did try, but I was "moderately unsuccessful". He suggested I wrote a book called that. While I laughed at the time, upon some reflection, it's a far more accurate summary of my life that I'd like to admit. Mediocrity is something that encompasses large portions of my life, including but not limited to:

 People Sport Areas of Academia RPing Work Decision making  While I'm okay with this, even if I don't like it, I put it mostly down to my attitude. I niggle away, even if I suck at something, until I get better. However, I have two categories of my life I truly feel I excel at.

One is maths/science. Not glamorous, really nerdy, and probably a turn off, but it's how it fuckin' is. I sleep in class and top the highest level of maths. This shit works for me, somehow, my brain just makes sense of it, much quicker than other people. It's at the point where I'm teaching, like, half my fucking year how to number less shitty.

The other is comedy. I'm a quick witted individual with no sense of shame and no line that seems too far for me to cross. Conor/Gig, when musing about being a penguin king, but he described me as rude and vulgar. Indeed, he is right. Necrophilia is something I'll joke about in casual conversation without so much as batting an eye. Call it dead wrong, I don't care. Or abortion jokes, at least until I am asked (told) to cut it out.

He believes his rudeness and vulgarity holds him back. Me? I see it as my selling point. I'm bringing this back to my first point - I own it. I will be there, with a wicked grin and cutting with armed with the word "cunt" ready to force the mothers back into the politically correct caves where they belong.

Anyway, I shall now go to my third point, which is a little story of how I tie all that crap into my normal life for the benefit of all around me. A little feel-good stuff. We need more of that. Feeling good is good.

While I was there, one of my female friends was a little less confident, and a little nervous of being judged. Being the smooth-talking individual I am, I offered to skate alongside them because my lack of co-ordination and various arm flailing would make her look good. Plus, due to reflexes that would astound the meek and a natural heroic inclination, I performed a couple of epic saves that were little more than just grabbing them and pulling them into a bear hug and hoping that they don't hurt themselves.

However, even with my superhuman saving skills, I missed one fall. She dropped suddenly, and was quite far away, as I had a tighter cornering line to her and was drifting back across. I reacted late, overcompensated, and as she hit the deck, I soon followed. After making sure both of us were okay, I was quick enough to launch out a quip. "See? Told you I'd make you look good. You fall, I fall more dramatically." I got an eye roll, which is the equivalent of bellowing laughter in my eyes, so I can run with it.

Falling over = Embarrassing myself, moderately unsuccessful. Comedy = Eye roll quality line that merits much praise. Science? Knowing that it was going to fucking hurt, and after twelve drops, I was starting to feel it.

It's four AM. I'm starting to fuck up in the head now, so I'm crashing and sleeping. Peace out, my little cuntykins.