User blog:TehHarvester/Late night rants with Harv - 2

No, this is not the funniest character one. I'm still gonna do that, I've just got some other shit to say first. My experience on chat today, was, well, to paraphase Juni, very upsetting. I knew this would end up being written sooner or later, it's just, well, sooner. A lot sooner. Warning. If you do not want to be upset, go now. If you don't like swearing, well, you're already fucked. I'm going to talk about some heavy issues here, and readers beware. If at any point, you feel like this is too much for you, stop then and there because this is going to get worse as I go along. Hey, I figure angry/sad/happy is a good order to blog.

Today in chat, we saw love, broken hearts, abuse, pain, rage and suffering. I could have missed some earlier feels, due to stupid Australian fucking timezones - fuck 'em right in the cunt - but regardless, I bottle up too much shit for my own good, and I need to get some of it out, so I won't mention names or faces as much as I can.

Because we're a bunch of teenagers, give or take a couple of young adults, we're going to fall hormone-crazed in love with someone. That's a given. I was the first to really open up in the matter, which is a little odd, because normally quite a guarded person, but I feel comfortable here, so I was open to letting it out. Basically, in summary, I explained how relationships with a best friend can cause a lot of problems very quickly. How I explained it, you ask, was by relaying most of the worst cases scenarios I had experienced - if not caused. Trying not to whine for too long about my fairly mild problems that are a big deal for me but not really anyone else, I'm in love with someone who's in love with me and we're super good friends but we suck at being together and I can't just leave them alone because we go to the same school and catch the same bus and live down the fucking road and hang around the same people. And at the same time, I'm comforting her because she's upset even though I'm a fucking mess about it, and she's worried she's hurt me. No fucking shit. But I can't tell her, because I don't want her more upset. Not fun.

Fucking hell, I need to be more eloquent. Carrying on.

But that's just teenage me being teenage me. It's not exactly rainbows and sunshine, but it could get worse. A lot worse. There's someone else in a similar boat, and I feel for them. There's an age gap and all, but I don't know the other person feels about who and both of them are probably just going to come out upset and that fucking sucks. I'm fond of both of them and I wish them both the best, but I can just see some hearts being ripped to shreds. Even though I've told them both a million times, I'm here for you guys, no matter what. You ever need me, I'm there.

But if anyone should be there for someone, it's a parent. I don't know how the fuck you'd cope without one. I'm a sheltered, upper-middle class white kid with a loving family and no real serious problems in my life. When you hear about a mother who had a child for money and doesn't care and physically abuses the child, that creates an emotional response. Be it anger, upset, or in my case, a wanting to hug the person until they feel alright even if it takes a decade of continuous snuggle, if that doesn't make you feel some emotion that's an antonym of happy then there is something wrong with you.

Anyway, since all that, I've been quite introspective, and I've had some long, hard thoughts about me and my life. My conclusion? I am a fucking piece of shit. I am a terrible, awful human being. I'm not joking about it. I'm a million miles from proud of it.

I treat other people like shit. I shoot them down, I spit on their success, I berate, I near enough bully people and any time someone questions me about that, I get defensive. I balance ego and agression to cover up insecurity so well that sometimes I think I'm confident when everything I do is just me being some idealised form of something that makes me awful. Sure, I at least at one point had borderline autism, and I've never been good with people, and I got picked on, but none of that excuses me being a complete cunt.

I act like a dick because it's harder for people to hurt me. I get defensive so I don't have to admit I fucked up. I go out of my way to uspet people but have a need to care for people. I'm conflicted as all fuck and don't know how I get around anywhere.

"Teenage years are a growth phase, you'll become a better person at the end of it." That's fucking horseshit. Every fucking problem I stamp out, I just get another, even worse one. I went from a caring, optimistic child to some cynical, sacrastic teenager who aims for apathy and cruelty because they don't have the courage to admit they actually care or that they just want people to like them. And because I'm getting better at admitting it, I'm now in some weird conflicted phase where one part of me is screaming do this while another is screaming do that. I don't know what to do or say and it's tough.

You know why I'm having relationship trouble? I treated her like shit. I can admit that. I did a lot of shitty things. I do them to other people, as well. I've got very few friends, which I can live with, but my friendships never last long, because I get shitty sooner or later. There are a couple that have lasted, and I love those, but I just cause myself more trouble than I need, but less than I deserve.

But then, someone comes out that I haven't known for a short time and calls me one of their best friends. Oh lordy. Words cannot describe how much that shit means to me. To know that, despite all this shit, someone fucking cares, brings me to a point of emotion I'm not used to and don't quite understand and it chokes me up a little bit. But my word, your taste in people sucks.

TBH I'm hitting the feels bong quite hard now so I'll try and close it off with this. I'm sorry I'm a complete cock and that you have to put up with this shit. I'm sorry about dumping all of this here but I don't have anywhere else I can put and I need to get it out. I love quite a lot of you guys. Just...at some point I'm going to do some really shitty things, I feel, and I think you people are going to cop it. I have a feeling, somewhere, that this is going to be a shit year, and by May/June I'm going to hate everyone and everything. I've been there before. I don't want to be there again, but I think I'm going there. Please don't push me far enough away that I end up doing it on my own.

I think I'll stop before I start getting teary, so peace out. Thanks guys.