User blog:TehHarvester/Late Night Rants With Harv - 3 - Funniest Char's edition

I'M FINALLY FUCKING DOING THIS SHIT FUCK YAAAAAAAAAASSS BISH!


 * clears throat* Ahem. Right. This is it. We've been hyping for this for quite some time and I'm so hyped right now that I can't wait till late tonight and I'm just doing it now. Someone said we should vote on this. Well, fuck that. This is my blog, my rules, and only my opinion matters. Safe to say, I've spent a fair amount of time deliberating and working out an idea in my mind.

So, mandatory warnings. One. I am not setting out to be critical or rude. If you are offended, I am sorry. Also, tough shit. If you do feel offended, just close the tab. Two, in cases the first line didn't tell you, I'm... expresive. And put sailors to same, mah cuntykins. Three, and this one is so big that it's getting a whole new paragraph.

DO NOT - UNDER ANY CIRMCUMSTANCE - LET THE COMMENTS DETIORIATE INTO AN ALL OUT FLAME WAR. First case, I'll stop comments. If it spreads to chat, this thread will get deleted, or you'll get some kind of punishment for trying to cause shit.

Okay - I'm done with the serious shit. Let's have some fun with some funny people, and start with some honorable mentions - funny characters who aren't quite good enough to be top 5 material, but still can give you a giggle.

Honorable mention #1 - Kaori Watanabe

While she might not always be a 'fits of giggles' character, and mostly just an arrogant, concieted actress, [has the one utterly brilliant RP.] She gets her sass out, hardcore, and proceeds to tear Kiyoko a new arsehole. Lines such as, "Do us all a favor and go back to the slums, rob a bank, or get better taste of clothes because even a scarecrow wouldn't want to be dressed in those rags.", and "Your birth certificate must have been an apology from the condom factory.", are utter brilliance. Well done Kira. Myseth gave me a sass trophy and a sass medal, and I don't need both; I would like you to take this sass medal to celebrate your triumph in put-downs.

Honorable mention #2 - Ikiaq

Okay, while it may be kinda arrogant to put this guy up, after Juni's reaction to one of his lines, I just couldn't not. Ikiaq's talent is in his expressive nature. No context is needed - he just knows how to swear properly.

He might have made Raava into a hermaphrodite, but he made his way into our hearts. Well, Juni's anyway.
 * "post childbirth sized vagina"
 * "OSTRICH-HORSE FUCKERS"
 * "Fucking cock sandwich"
 * "Raava's lady bits"
 * "raging justice boner bigger than Raava's"

ANYWAY, enough of these barely good enough for our top 5 guffaws. Welcome to the big leagues. These are, in my eyes, the 5 funniest characters. HOURS - literal hours - of research has gone into this. So, without any more waffling about, here we go.

#5 - Yoshino

To be honest, she could be higher on the list if she gets RP'd more. Two RP's really stood out - one of them nearly made me spit a drink all over my keyboard, because it was such a huge sucker punch. But the other one first. This RP is utterly slapstick. "If you don't want to be drowned then behave", said the police officer to the random girl. That's brilliant. When followed up with "Just don't throw rocks at me. Geez kids these days.", you can't help but laugh. But nothing compares to this. This is... words have failed me. Kudos to Osamurei for being the perfect straight man, but that sole finisher of “I know but I am pretty lazy to be honest.”, was too fucking good. I stumbled upon that rp before I did all this and I have to say, it is one of the best things on this site.

#4 - Kamik

His title is "Comedian of the Wastes," so he has a lot to live up to. He's also improving, but is starting to shine, and if there's another one of these later, could be running at the top spot. This RP showed some signs of the comedian coming out to play, especially "Well If we are screwed anyway I may as well just fuck around for a bit. It was with this thought that Kamik grabbed a hold of Yuuki's hand and promptly began skipping whilst singing a jolly Wastelander tune about pillage and rape and all the good things in life." But he came to life in this RP right here. "THERE AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A NO PANTY PARTY, CAUSE A NO PANTY PARTY DON'T STOP!" and "I mean really, if you were expecting guests then at least put your shit into distinct piles not just clutter all over the floor." He gingerly picks up some underwear lying by Kaede's bed and throws it straight at Yuuki's face. "Hey Yuuki, tell me if it smells like fish" are two of the best quotes on the site. Granted, Gig might share my fucked up sense of humor, but either way, this guy lives up to his name.

We're into the big names now. Brilliant characters, coming up.

#3 - Ginji 

Holy fuck I love this dude. Ginji is the biggest fucking cunt on the entire planet and it is beautiful to watch. This dude raped a woman who had his child and then killed the woman while his apprentice/girlfriend was watching. Plus, he's a giant cock to everyone and everything. Anyway, his cock does most of his thinking and talking, leading to some funny quotes. While most of the RP's aren't a lovely bag of chortles, I'll explain the context and show you a few of his best quotes.  In the book one RP for the port entry, Ginji had just been given an extra 20 grand for his mission. His reaction?: '"Nice work shortie!" Ginji was just naming all the expensive items he could buy with that kind of money. Buying Tenshi a sexy bunny suit did cross his mind, but now wasn't the time for that.'  "Without a word, he pulled out a pink bunny suit." - He fucking bought it. Lad. And got his Gf/Apprentice into it. While discussing the bunny suit, and getting Tenshi into it, he agreed to put on whatever she wanted. How did he confirm his honesty? - "I'm a murderer, veteran, blacksmith, alcoholic and probably father to several illegitimate children but not a liar. You completely have my word, as long as you're the only person who sees.</li> When Ginji decided to make Tenshi his girlfriend, she asked for reasoning. His justification was: "Uh huh, you're my girl. You got a great rack, help me out with jobs. Cook for me, shut up when I want ya to and have a great rack. Pretty simple really."</li> Remember that woman he raped who had his kid? She caught up with him and, understandably, wanted him dead. However, Ginji was a little... unaware of who she was. "Did I bang you or somethin? Ugh I can't tell you how many damn times someone has come to me for some sort of revenge? Did I kill your dad or somethin? Refresh my memory." </li> After she explained, his response was once again, excellent. "Yeah don't hold your breath for that child support check.."</li> </ul> <p style="margin-bottom:0cm;">To sum him up, here's another quote of his: "Bitch, everything about me is rude.” Yes it is. And I love you for it.

<p style="margin-bottom:0cm;">Separating these two was the hardest part of writing this. Both these characters are utterly hilarious, for very different reasons. Neither of these characters try to be funny, but the shit they do is utterly bellyaching. TBH, for a long time, I thought it was clearly one character, but then another one scaled the ranks so fucking quickly that it's not funny. Well, now with the irony it's kinda funny, but never the less. I'm still deciding so I'm stalling. Ummm. I don't want a tie. Cunty fuck shit. Okay. Made up my mind. Here goes.

<p style="margin-bottom:0cm;">#2 - Rohan 

<p style="margin-bottom:0cm;">Some of you are going to be shocked at his number two spot, as for a LONG time we thought he would be number one. Anyway, his skill in life, to quote Juni, 'he's a doofus.' I can think of no better way to describe him. Actually, I can. A Marty Sue. Rohan has a few perfectly brilliant rps, wherein he manages to display all the required traits. How so?

<ol> Thinks he/she can date anyone - tries to get with Iluq with little success - "Hey don't be shy. Most of my life i was shy and that brought me nothing. What I did was conquer my fears and that brought me to the biggest city in the world. Also that brought me to you. If I was still shy I would be back home in my parents house in the Fire nation. Anyway, this place has great noodles. Wow! Sorry I love to eat. Would you like to come back to my place?" This is the smoothest cunt, ever.</li>

Assumes they're better than anyone else - '"Who are you calling a prick? Just to let you know I am better than you Yui, now can you guys stop calling me names and shut your mouth so we can kick some bad guy ass."' and  'Rohan yells, "well if your such a man then I hope you do not wet your pants then when we meet Mother then. To have you know I am not a child and I am 10 times tougher than you are. I am scared of nothing Yagura."' That is pure class. I cannot even</li>

They can be as mean as they want, but no-one can push back - '"Sorry everyone I will keep my mouth shut, but Yagura is really being mean calling me a child. Do I look like one?"' - after saying that shit to Yagura, he can't even take that. Wow.</li>

Not a Marty Sue thing, but this guy is just dumb as all fuck. 'I understand there are 2 portals but I feel that we should go through the one in the Northern Water tribe since we would have the help of the water tribe troops as well since it is more populated up in the north' - YOU'RE GOING TO THE SOUTH IF YOU WERE GOING TO GO TO THE SOUTH PORTAL YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE SPIRIT WORLD - 'Samir if you need help I can distract them with you?' - I just can't. However -  'Anyway should I still get the police trucks and the police boats so we can transport all the troops the the North Pole? Also Sakari I got onto the police force by doing good on the test. I am not dumb you know.' - he doesn't know it and thinks otherwise, and it's fucking great. </li> </ol> This guy is class. Scar, never stop this. This guy is so perfect. I'll finish with this. - 'Could you too silly kids (Sakari and Fang) stop what yiu are doing we need to be focused for our mission. Damn it what is wrong with these people, he murmmers to himself.'

What is wrong with these people, indeed.

#1 - Sakari 

Go ahead. Gasp. This'll be a sucker punch to a few of you. But I love this character so much that I can't say no. In the end, they had more funny quotes than Rohan, and it gave her the edge. And it's not what she says- unless when drunk, but we'll get to that later - but normally her internal musings are amusing. Be it her opinion on Suigetsu - 'knowing today was going to be a looooong day. Stupid goddamn rich pervert.' or Rohan - 'Sakari puffed out her cheeks to stop herself from directing any blaringly hateful remarks towards Rohan. Goddamn prick son of a bitch, she thought.' and '''I'm the only one who hasn't told Rohan to shut up yet. THE ONLY ONE! Woooooo Sakari you're being mature! You go girl!'''

Or it could just be the way her mind wanders off from what she's meant to be doing. "Oh my gosh, finally you can make an arrest. Go! Go for the arrest!" - 'Work was exhausting, and often horrible. I want to eat my dumplings, Sakari whines in her head.' - '"Hey, Renshu, can't you do that glowing yellow spirit-y waterbending technique? Wouldn't that, you know, work?" Sakari shut her mouth and wished she'd kept it shut, because once spoken aloud her idea seemed ridiculous. Stupid brain.'

But that would only get her a top 3 spot, not the top spot. She can thank this RP for that.

I literally couldn't even. That was undoutably the funniest RP I have ever read, and I've collected a list of quotes just from it. Half of my Sakari stuff was from that one RP.

<ul> "Ja, riightio. I could have chu exe-cuted foooorrr..." Sakari stabs her fork into the table and stares super duper hard at Tetsu. "Having a boring nose. Chu have a boring nooooseee."</li> "Nuh uhhh, you're schmelling the snausage. Nd chu schmell like snausage." Sakari giggled and burped, covering her mouth in surprise when she did.</li> Whhyyyy shank shu." Sakari pretended to bow, but she ended up smashing her face into her mashed potato. "Oopsh."</li> "Stomash. Food babies. You have skiiiiiiiiinnn."</li> "Mmm, I sheee, I sheee. I am inddedy the softest seal around."</li> "Ahnoooo! You dischovered the seal's weakness. Ehhh I'm dead now." Sakari closes her eyes and pokes her tongue out, as if trying to imitate a dead seal.</li> "This seaaly dun want anyyy necro-philly-beasty schtuff, mtay?"</li> "Nd whoooose gonna make us, mishter? I'm not drank anywayss." Sakari reached over and poked one of the men's boot, which he was obviously unimpressed with.</li> Still lying on the ground, Sakari made movements with her feet and a large amount of water rose from the floor of the restaurant and pushed it towards the man in wave form, while whispering. "Shhhush now, no tears, only dreams."</li> <li>"THE LONE SEAL WILL SURVIVE!" She then proceeded to gather enough water to use for an octopus form and ran and jumped out the window, making seal noises as she did.</li> </ul> Is that half the RP? Yes. Do I care? No. It's so beatifully funny that I don't care. Birdeh, well done. Sakari is about a million times funnier than I predicted and doing this was worth it just to read that RP. Shout out to Hydro too, because he at least helped.

So that concludes this list. I've been writing this for 5 and a half hours, and I've spent around 10 finding everything. A huge amount of work has gone into this, so don't fuck this up for me. If you disagree/agree/can keyboard and have an opinion, comment below. Thanks for reading, thanks to windeh for helping me with my idea and thanks to the unwilling participants. Was fun.